There's Nothing Like A Really Great...

Fart.

Why do women pretend?  When did that start?  It couldn't have been with the pilgrams.  They didn't even bathe properly (big ole stinky dummies thought the water was causing skin irritation when all along it was the LYE SOAP they were using!!! ...but I digress)

It is painfully uncomfortable for some people to even talk about let alone do.  When we're babies it's cute!  Our adorable widdle smiles let you know that we have reached a new level of comfort.  No more tears!  When do the smiles stop and the finger pointing begin?
When we can walk?
When we can talk?
When we go to school for the first time and realize that not everyone's dad would high-five them when they passed a great one?

I had a really awkward situation at a casting workshop recently with some extremely lame women, regarding farts of course.  The casting director gave all of the men one scene and all of the women another.  All of us ladies were ushered out into the hallway and were instructed to come into the room one by one to present the scene.  The first two women went in - nothing much to be heard from inside.  The third woman walked into the room and shut the door behind her, leaving the other 12 of us waiting anxiously.  Suddenly, laughter erupted inside the workshop room.  Women in the hallway began to squirm because the scene was from Law&Order:SVU - eg. NOT FUNNY!   As the 4th woman went in, (looking back at us with fingers crossed saying, "wish me luck," I stood thinking, this is a workshop, lady, not a real audition), she closed the door and a few moments later, laughter again!!!

Lame blond #1 in the hall: Oh my GAHD!  What's going ON in there?

Lame blond #2 in the hall: I KNOW!  This scene is not funny at all!

ME: They're probably talking about farts!

EVERYONE: .....silence.....more silence......stares of judgement...silence.

I thought that was HILARIOUS!!!  I was simply trying to break the ice and ease some of the nervous tension.  Apparently not.

No one I've ever dated has been comfortable with lady-farts.  Some of them were living in complete denial that women even had that capability.  Did I let some rip around them?  NO!  I fed right into the stereotype!!!  I didn't want to break the mold!  It's scary and cold out in the world alone.  I couldn't risk it.  Not back then.  But today is a new day!  I'm tired of pretending that my stomach gurgling is just because I'm hungry!  I'm tired of being tickled and clenching my muscles so tight that I can't breathe!  I'M TIRED OF LIVING A LIE!!!

My new anthem: Relax - Relate - Release.
SAY IT WITH ME NOW: RELAX - RELATE - RELEASE!!!

I pledge to speak freely about the normal functions of the human body as MUCH as possible.  If you would like to hire me to speak at your institution please feel free to contact me.

(*Disclaimer: If you are encouraged by this post in any way, please be sure to always travel with a book of matches or a purse size air freshener.  Comfort is a beautiful thing, but blowing out an entire room is rude.)