It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! It’s a...

BLIMP? 

Yes, we still have blimps.  ...I don’t know why either.  I guess it’s a harkening back to a time when blimps were interesting, innovative, perhaps awesome!  I do remember being very little and loving that huge balloon in the sky.  But is it truly possible that blimps are only still used to amaze small children?  No...it can’t be.  

One blimp I see regularly is the Goodyear.  Does this make me want to rush out and get new tires?  No!  Am I even sure right now that Goodyear makes tires?  No!  So who is the target audience?  The elderly?  No, they have glaucoma and can’t be bothered with aimlessly looking at the sky.  Teenagers?  Unless they start posting Facebook updates on blimps, I doubt it.  Other questions: where would one go to learn how to operate a blimp?  Is that a course covered in flight school?  Are blimp operators flight school flunkies?  

Ahhh, hang on a minute.  I do believe I have answered my own query.  I have been thinking about that blasted blimp for almost a week now!  I’ve even written a blog about it.  Who has two thumbs, an afro and has been made a Goodyear fool?  This guy.  

Hot damn.  

I see you, Blimp.  Well done.

Public Service Announcement:

If your thighs rub together, do not wear shorts!  This is not a joke.

A designer needs to create a pair of shorts that will not ride up.  It's as if shorts are on mission, a journey, a spiritual quest to reach the mother land: Vagina.  It's a beautiful and wondrous place, I know.  But c'mon!

This has nothing to do with being thin or fat.  If you are a thin woman who just happens to be knock-kneed  - because you had to wear special shoes to correct your bowed legs as a baby - and has sexy, curvy thighs, you should not wear shorts.  Walking down the street and constantly grabbing near your crotch to yank out yards of fabric is not attractive.  Trust me, I know.  I've been doing it all the day long.

"Why don't you just get shorts that are longer/shorter?"  You think you're the first person to experience that spark of genius?  You're not.  I've tried all kinds of shorts and...I think you know where they end up.  Listen friends, I'm looking out for your best interest.  Just...just put the shorts down, pick up that slutty skirt you've been too afraid to wear and rock the HELL OUT OF IT!!!  Embrace the fact that you are a sexy thigh rubbing machine and -- wait, that didn't sound right at all...

There's Nothing Like A Really Great...

Fart.

Why do women pretend?  When did that start?  It couldn't have been with the pilgrams.  They didn't even bathe properly (big ole stinky dummies thought the water was causing skin irritation when all along it was the LYE SOAP they were using!!! ...but I digress)

It is painfully uncomfortable for some people to even talk about let alone do.  When we're babies it's cute!  Our adorable widdle smiles let you know that we have reached a new level of comfort.  No more tears!  When do the smiles stop and the finger pointing begin?
When we can walk?
When we can talk?
When we go to school for the first time and realize that not everyone's dad would high-five them when they passed a great one?

I had a really awkward situation at a casting workshop recently with some extremely lame women, regarding farts of course.  The casting director gave all of the men one scene and all of the women another.  All of us ladies were ushered out into the hallway and were instructed to come into the room one by one to present the scene.  The first two women went in - nothing much to be heard from inside.  The third woman walked into the room and shut the door behind her, leaving the other 12 of us waiting anxiously.  Suddenly, laughter erupted inside the workshop room.  Women in the hallway began to squirm because the scene was from Law&Order:SVU - eg. NOT FUNNY!   As the 4th woman went in, (looking back at us with fingers crossed saying, "wish me luck," I stood thinking, this is a workshop, lady, not a real audition), she closed the door and a few moments later, laughter again!!!

Lame blond #1 in the hall: Oh my GAHD!  What's going ON in there?

Lame blond #2 in the hall: I KNOW!  This scene is not funny at all!

ME: They're probably talking about farts!

EVERYONE: .....silence.....more silence......stares of judgement...silence.

I thought that was HILARIOUS!!!  I was simply trying to break the ice and ease some of the nervous tension.  Apparently not.

No one I've ever dated has been comfortable with lady-farts.  Some of them were living in complete denial that women even had that capability.  Did I let some rip around them?  NO!  I fed right into the stereotype!!!  I didn't want to break the mold!  It's scary and cold out in the world alone.  I couldn't risk it.  Not back then.  But today is a new day!  I'm tired of pretending that my stomach gurgling is just because I'm hungry!  I'm tired of being tickled and clenching my muscles so tight that I can't breathe!  I'M TIRED OF LIVING A LIE!!!

My new anthem: Relax - Relate - Release.
SAY IT WITH ME NOW: RELAX - RELATE - RELEASE!!!

I pledge to speak freely about the normal functions of the human body as MUCH as possible.  If you would like to hire me to speak at your institution please feel free to contact me.

(*Disclaimer: If you are encouraged by this post in any way, please be sure to always travel with a book of matches or a purse size air freshener.  Comfort is a beautiful thing, but blowing out an entire room is rude.)

Gimmie! Gimmie! GIMMIE!!!

There are some people you will come across in your daily life who are slores.  Slore=slut/whore.  If this surprises you, you may be the slore in your community.  

You’re probably wondering what has sparked this topic.  Well a slore, clearly!  Not just one, many.  Over a great deal of time.  There is no way to completely rid your life of slores: they are both male and female, they are married, they are single, they go to church, etc.  Slores are all around you!  Some of your friends are slores.  

Have you ever thought twice about inviting a friend to a group function because they may proposition someone’s husband?  Slore.  Have you ever been hit on by your friend’s boyfriend?  Slore.  Is there a person you know who uses alcohol as an excuse for why they were so “affectionate”?  Possible slore - they may have other issues or just really, really like you.  

I have friends who say they would never date/marry a major athlete because of the groupies.  Let me be the first to tell you, that was probably never going to happen anyway.  Secondly, a groupie-slore doesn’t need your man to be famous to try and hit it.  He can be a postman, a lawyer, a stay at home dad who takes little Bethany to the playground every afternoon.  

It’s simply exhausting, the amount of people who feel entitled to any and everything, all the time.  The slore dilemma speaks to a larger issue of selfishness and a lack of satisfaction.  It’s sad, really.  In order to offer my assistance to slores all over the world, I have put together a dialogue outline that you may want to use (feel free to adjust):

YOU: How are you?

SLORE: Pretty good I guess.

YOU: Most people don’t like you--  

SLORE: Excuse me?

YOU: --because you are really bad at being a useful member of society.

SLORE: What the f--

YOU: I mean, if you were getting paid for the sex, then ok.   That’s a profession!

SLORE: ...Would you like to go have sex?

YOU: I think you should seek professional help.  

As you can see from the above dialogue, it will be difficult to get through to a slore.  They are convinced that what they do is acceptable and that people will still like them.  Show a slore in your community that it’s not ok.  But be supportive, in as non-sexual a way as possible. 

Listen, I have no easy answers or quick fixes or any answers at all.  What I do have is a blog where I can vent and say what ever the hell I want and it feels GREAT!   You should get one too!

Unless your about to poop...

PULL UP YOUR PANTS!!!

I can't. I just can't. WHAT is the fasciNATION with SHOWING your BUTT CHEEKS?!?!?! It's happening all over the world. Why? The American slavery, oops, prison system. Honestly, I blame the American prison system for a whole HEAP of things (which I will discuss in future) but let's just stay on subject.

I wish I had pinchers for every time I pass by a Hipster wearing leggings and showing off their panties, er, boxer/briefs as though it’s the new form of Peacocking. When I see a young brother in the ‘hood wearing jeans that could potentially look nice, walking like they have a hot, steamy load in their basketball shorts - which are worn in between their undies and their falling pants - I want to grab them by the face, stare deeply into their eyes and ask, ever so gently, “What the fuck is wrong with you, man?” It's gross and no one enjoys it.

People need to start being marked for their stupidity. Kind of the same way that people wear a tear-drop tattoo underneath their eye when they have killed someone. These Booty Broadcasters should be forced to do something equally as ridiculous. ...when I come up with the "mark" you will be the first to know.